somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
