You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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