Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
