a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
