There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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