grandma shit on top of the toilet
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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