We're like a lot better than the average bears
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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