I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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