whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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