There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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