i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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