Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
