I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
