another moral hangover. fuck.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
