i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
