Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
