They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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