Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
