so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
