I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
