Just cropdusted the office
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He? As in you personified your dick?
It's shark week go big or go home
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
