Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
