Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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