I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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