I want to make a zoo with you.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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