Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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