mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
