I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
