Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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