He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
