My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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