And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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