You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
