I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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