I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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