I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
