So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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