Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
