You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
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