remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Randomize
