You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
