he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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