I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
