If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
