apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
