i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
