I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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