she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
