M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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