So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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