this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
