You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
